Analogy of the Bonding
Saw June 17 - 22
This week we had a couple of awesome lessons, but my
favorite part was the analogy of the bonding saw. First, have you guys ever taken a look at
your baseboards and noticed that many of them are probably a little
uneven. Not that it looks terrible, but it’s
not really seamless either? Below might
be an appropriate example.
This is when a bonding saw comes in handy. It looks like the below image and is used for
skillful and exactly precise cuts that can be maneuvered perfectly to make the
necessary cut.
The baseboard is measured to an appropriate length (just
a hair longer than the wall), then the necessary cuts are made (image below),
and then the baseboards are put in.
However, when they are put in, because they are seemingly
too long, they have to almost be snapped in which creates lots of pressure on
the joint where the baseboards meet. But
this pressure is essential in creating a nearly seamless joint between two
baseboards. With the exact cuts in line
and this pressure pushing them together, you get a beautiful joint (almost as
if it were one continuous piece of wood).
This is just like a family with certain stressors in
their lives. The bonding saw needs to be
able to cut out of the family exactly what needs to be cut out (e.g. whatever
is taking away from the familial unity, contentions, addictions, distractions,
etc.). But in making this cut, it is
imperative that it is precise and that it does not damage anything except the
part that needs to be removed. For
example, if a wife is complaining about her husband’s behavior, she needs to
address the behavior, not his character (e.g. she would like him to help out
with the dishes occasionally vs. he is so lazy and never helps). Once it is shaped properly, the pressure that
is put on the family and the effect of handling it properly will actually keep
a family stronger and unified. They will
be a beautiful and seemingly seamless family.
They will ‘be one’ just as the Savior commanded.
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Communication June 24 – 29
Is communication as big of a deal as we make it out to
be? The truth is, not really. There have been many studies that have shown
that several things are much more important than communication in building a
happy and successfully family. In one in
particular done by the Bill and Christine Marshall (a meta-analysis which is a
compilation of several studies), they showed that appreciation, affection, commitment,
time spent together, and creative problem solving all came before communication. However, that is not to say that
communication is not important, because it most definitely is. However, it isn’t just about the skills one
possesses that make communication effective.
First, we need to understand the other’s background, personality, and
values. That will help us understand the
other’s virtues (who they are), which will help us to interpret their
communication and how they will perceive our own. An example of this (which is a true story) is
a young couple who were having marital problems. The wife would bicker and try to contend with
the husband, while the husband would just back down, be extremely passive, and
try to avoid the topic altogether whenever she would start to get angry and
upset over any issue. As it turned out,
she was raised in a home that had a lot of bickering all the time as that was
their method of problem-solving, while he was brought up with next to no
contention whatsoever. He was
interpreting her bickering as contentious and destructive, while she was interpreting
his lack of bickering as apathy towards their marriage and her. Why?
They didn’t understand each other’s backgrounds and the meaning behind
their methods of communication.
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Stay-At-Home Mom a
Mind-Numbing Job?
July 1 – 6
Dennis Prager recently wrote an article Does a Full-Time Homemaker Swap Her Mind for a Mop? In it he discusses some very pertinent issues
about what the left believes and how it isn’t completely on target. Obviously there is going to be a certain
potential for stay-at-home moms to not develop their mind … but why would
working outside the home (i.e. doing secretarial work, etc.) be able to better
enhance the brain? I have a friend who
is, of no fault of her own, still unwed.
She is incredibly intelligent and has one of the brightest minds I
know. Probably her favorite pastime is
to pick up a book and read (her favorite book is the unabridged version of Les
Miserables by Victor Hugo). She decided
to look for a job in order to pay the bills, and she found one. It was to scan images into the computer for 8
hours every day. Talk about
mind-numbing! I thought that going to
work is where our minds were supposed to be stimulated!
Obviously I understand that
there are many jobs that are able to stimulate the mind, but there are also a
great many that are just like scanning in images all day where we almost turn
our mind off completely and simply go through the motions. I believe that if the same kind of girl who
would have her brain stimulated at work were to be a stay-at-home mom, she
would be able to find ways to stimulate her brain at home as well.
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Parenting: Which style is the Best? July 8 – 13
There are definitely many styles of parenting. There are those who like to become their
kids’ best friend and that takes precedence over everything, and others who
want their children to obey them without question … I mean, shouldn’t their
word be law? The truth is that neither
of these approaches is really optimal.
The first can be too permissive while the other produces no growth in
the child and often evokes rebellion.
The interesting thing about these two methods of teaching is they both
destroy the agency of our kids. For the
first (permissive) style, when we don’t set limits, they can’t really choose
whether or not to be obedient. If they
want to go out and do stupid things, it’s okay because anything goes. The second (authoritarian) style is for more
obvious reasons. If you don’t let them
choose anything at all, you have taken away their agency.
What social scientists term as authoritative parenting is
actually best. What this entails is
having high expectations and standards for your kids without being overly
strict. It is more of a teaching style
of parenting than anything else. It
allows the kids to mess up, learn from their experiences, and grow in their
capability to choose correct principles.
This is done by teaching your children not only that they need to live a
certain way, but why they do. Involving
your children in the rule-making and consequences (obviously within limits) is
also part of being an authoritative parenting.
Also, it is important to remember mercy when mercy is needed.
Elder Larry Y. Wilson said, "Wise parents prepare their
children to get along without them. They provide opportunities for growth as
children acquire the spiritual maturity to exercise their agency
properly."
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The Challenge of Blended Families July
15 – 20
Regrettably, there
are those who have to face the challenge blending their family with another,
often through no fault of their own. But
how is this challenge best met? It is a difficult
question to answer, but there are a few things that studies have shown to
help. First, you need to accept the fact
that things will not be able to be normal for at the very least two years (this
is a bare minimum; it usually takes longer).
By ‘normal’ we do not mean the way that it was before. It will never really be like it was. But you can reach a new sort of normal for
your family; your normal. However, it is
important to know that it is usually a lot harder on the kids than it is on the
adults. That is why it is important that
the new parent does not throw him/herself on the kids as their new parent to
replace the old. In fact, it is best if
the new parent almost take to role of a very close aunt or uncle. All of the heavy discipline should be left up
to the biological parent (to avoid being rejected by the kids), but this does
not mean that they should be completely passive either. If a good aunt or uncle were to see his/her
nephew hitting his little sister, he/she wouldn’t allow it. He/she would stop it and take him to his
mother. If she wasn’t available, a
slight discipline would be in order, but then letting the mom take care of it
more fully when she gets home.
But it is also
important to not let the pendulum swing too far to the other side, either. If the biological parent is disciplining
his/her child, the step parent should not undermine his/her authority in front
of the child (which can sometimes be done to win the love of the child). If they need to discuss how to parent, it
should be done out of sight/sound of the child.
Then, they come to the child together and in agreement. As this is a challenge, the best thing is to
be patient, loving, understanding, and give it time.
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