This week we have been studying the importance of having large families and the studies that have proven this to be true. To be honest, I have always believed this to be true based on my own personal values, but I had no idea that research backs this up! For somewhat of a basis of what I want to talk about, it is important to understand that in order to maintain our population at a constant rate, the average woman will need to have 2.13 children over her lifespan (this is because it takes 2 people to make each child, but also takes into account the children that are born but are sterile, die before they are able to have children, or any other factors). This is called the replacement rate
It has long been disputed that the earth simply cannot hold any more people. Several people have thought that we would either run out of room, resources, or something else. In fact, back in the 1968, Paul Ehrlich wrote The Population Bomb which warned that mass starvation and environmental degradation are just around the corner. This book played an enormous role in instilling a fear in so many of us that overpopulation would lead us to starvation, and ultimately, extinction. The funny thing is that when he wrote the book, the world population was around 3.5 billion people. Now the world has just over 7 billion people (twice as many), and the starvation rate has actually gone down (worldwide, not nationwide)! Demographers attribute this to the fact that if there are more people to harvest the earth's resources, there will be exponentially more food to go around (as one man harvests enough food for several people). And the earth's life-sustaining resources are not running out! His predictions have not only not come to pass, but are being proven false in every form of logic.
Now coming back to the replacement rate mentioned above, most developed nations are not even coming close to 2.13 to maintain a stable population. In fact, several a far below (several are in the 1.2-1.5 range)! What will happen with these countries is extreme economic stress in the future. When we think of it in terms of old people who are being supported by young people, right now there is a growing problem, but we can at least still pretend to handle it. However, since our population is constantly declining, when those of us who are of working age now get to where we cannot work anymore, there will be significantly less workers to take care of us. All I know is that, even though I now have to pay social security, I'm not going to receive any when it's time for me to retire. Not that I am particularly worried about myself, but how are we going to face that challenge of having so many unable bodies to take care of, without the manpower to actually do it!? Talk about lack of resources!
I wish like crazy I could add more, but I am out of time. Hopefully I'll be able to post more soon.
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My Family Rules; Both Spoken and Unspoken May 6-11, 2013
As I reflect on my family as a system and how we functioned, it really makes me laugh to think of all of the rules that we lived by; both spoken and unspoken (as was eluded to in the title of this post). Monday night was family night, and Tuesday night was mutual night. We didn’t hang out with friends past 7:00 p.m. during the week (unless on a rare occasion we invited one of them over for dinner … which were always together as a family), and the weekends were dedicated to the N-64 (video games were banned to us during the week). Going to church was always expected of us, and everyone knew that we didn’t go to bed without first reading scriptures together as a family. That was just the way things were.
As I think about these seemingly little things that made our family what it both was and is, I can’t help but think about how different I would be as a person had my parents decided to raise us any differently. We had a lot of “rules” per say … but not a lot of punishments to go along with those rules. For example, while I was in high school my curfew was 10:30. If I ever came home after that time, I could tell that my parents were sincerely disappointed with me, and they would talk with me about what I had done wrong, but they didn’t punish me. Also, in my home we all understood that we didn’t watch PG-13 movies. So if I went out and watched one with my buddies, my parents wouldn’t ground me or take away my privileges, they would lovingly express their hurt and their concern. Honestly, there were times that I wish they would have just punished me because the hurt that I could see in my mother’s eyes always hurt me more than any grounding ever did. Don’t get me wrong, had I continued on in doing what I shouldn’t, my parents would have intervened with a little more authority. But I have always felt that because I knew just how much my parents loved me, and I knew how much it would hurt them for me to disobey our family standards and expectations, I never wanted to risk disappointing them. This is the pattern that I want to live with my family; a pattern of high expectations, standards, and love, coupled with a pattern of low dominating authority and punishments (not that I am going to let my kids walk all over me or our house rules; rather, I want to help them learn to live high standards for themselves).
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Culture:
Which One Do I Adopt For My Family?
May 13-18
On another note, William Doherty who is a professor at the University of Minnesota 3 gave a discourse on divorce rates as they pertain to social class and stated that divorce rates for middle class have gone down in the last 15 years. Divorce rates for lower class have stayed high. One of the reasons he attributed it to is who our role models are. He said, “There are many couples in the projects who do not know a single, successful, long-term couple.” In other words, their culture is the reason they divorce so much. It is what everyone else does, so it is what they do as well.
Now the point of this isn’t to keep our mothers home or to not get divorced (although those are both very good ideas). The point is that we need to observe the cultures around us and their consequences. Of these cultures, we need to select the best parts and aspects, and apply them into our lives. In so doing, we can be our children’s role models so that they will be able to look to us for an example of a good, Christlike life.
Understanding Same-Sex Attraction May 20-25
Bem says that, it’s more of a process of becoming, opposed to just being born gay. In the process of males becoming attracted to other males, first, we have to realize that all children are born with certain temperaments and tendencies. Typically, boys tend to be born more aggressive and task oriented while girls tend to be born more nurturing or relationship oriented. Several studies have been done to show that it isn’t just about learning these behaviors, but we are actually born with a biological disposition to be this way. Of course, this is only typically speaking. There are times when a boy will be born with a more sensitive and nurturing temperament. Is this bad? Of course not! Who is the most sensitive and nurturing person to ever walk the face of the earth? Jesus Christ. But we as society sometimes see a boy with these qualities as being atypical. This is where the danger lies.
Sometimes, when a boy is seen in this light (as being different or abnormal), he will be rejected by the other boys. This being rejected causes a hunger for intimacy with other boys. It is important to note that in this sense, intimacy does not refer to sexuality in any way. It refers to having closeness or a connection on a deeper level with another person. Typically, the boy does not receive much validation from any of the male figures at home either, especially his father. With being rejected by all of the boys in his life, the boy may think he is just different than all of the other boys, and they are different from him. He may or may not tend to hang out with the girls instead.
Between ages 11-13, Bem says that it is at this time that we become interested in what is different from us. Boys start to become interested in girls, and girls start to notice boys. But what happens with these boys who have never been comfortable with or felt acceptance from other boys? Sometimes they start to gain an even stronger desire to feel accepted from them. Often, this is accompanied with a nonspecific autonomic response (i.e. getting excited) while in the presence of another boy. You can imagine that this would be confusing to the boy, and he might start to wonder about his own sexuality. Bem says that without fail in those boys he studied, at one point or another that desire to be accepted by other boys became sexualized. This could be through a molestation, or some sort of pornography or masturbation. Whatever the case, the boy is left to just assume that he is gay and that there is nothing he can do about it. “That’s just the way he is.” Isn’t that the message he’s been getting his whole life? So you see, it really isn’t about sex at all! It is a desire on their part to be intimately connected.
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Are We Moving Too Fast In Our Relationship? May 27 – June 1
Obviously this post is not about my wife and me; we are more happily married than I could have ever imagined. But this is a commonly asked question among those in the dating world today, and it deserves some careful consideration. To help us understand what studies have shown to be helpful, I am going to use the Relationship Attachment Model (below).
The outline of this graph is that each area of attachment should
not exceed (and ideally should even be slightly lower than) the one to its
left. For example, we should not trust
anyone more than we really know that person, and we cannot rely on them more
than we trust them, etc. However, far
too often we skip a few of these steps and we may commit to them before we
really know what we are committing to. In
the dating scene, this most often occurs with touch. When two people touch, there is a mental and an emotional bonding that occurs. Among other things, powerful hormones are a part of this bonding that are given us from God that help us to commit to the person we are close to. Obviously, there is a correlation between the amount of this physical contact and how deep the bonding is (e.g. kissing produces a deeper level of bonding than does holding hands). When we let a relationship get too physical before we break it off, it artificially raises the other areas of attachment (we commit, rely on, and trust the person more than we even know them). The key to avoid this from happening would be to let the relationship develop slowly and naturally, safeguarding against progressing through this model too quickly. This takes time, but is well worth the emotional benefits that will follow.
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Marital Happiness
After Children; Doomed to Drop?
June 3-8, 2013
There is a common trend in marriages for the marital happiness to increase at a pretty steady rate until about two weeks after what should be considered a very special occasion. What is that occasion? It is the birth of the first child. Sadly enough, studies have shown that about two weeks after the first child comes into the couple’s home, they start to decrease in martially happiness. And it continues to drop with each subsequent child. But why is this? Shouldn’t a new baby just bring the couple closer together? The honest truth is it should and does if the proper steps are taken to guard the marriage. When these steps are taken, a baby can actually bring even greater marital satisfaction to the couple. So what are the steps?
Ø Second, the couple needs to be extra sure that they are communicating clearly their true feelings, especially after the baby comes. What typically happens is that the wife starts to devote her time and attention to the baby, and showing less of her attention to her husband. Studies have shown that the husband typically starts to withdraw at this point and feels as though his wife neglects him and disagrees with him even more. What studies also show is that the wife actually agrees with him even more, she just isn’t communicating it to him. So they start to spiral downward as the husband withdraws feeling shunned, and the wife turns to her baby and her mother for validation. The sad thing is this could all be reversed by more positive communication between the couple.
Ø Third, with the new baby taking up so much of the time, the couple all of the sudden has so much less time alone. This is inevitable. However, if the couple will make a consistent and concerted effort to have their alone time (dates night, etc.), this will greatly fortify the couple’s relationship.
I wish so badly that more couples were educated in how to prevent these misfortunes that have happened to so many worldwide. But the good news is that now that we are instructed and know for ourselves, we don’t have to relive others’ heartache. Knowledge is an endowment of power to change our lives, our circumstances, and our outcomes.
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Friends, Facebook, and Fidelity June 10 – 15
My instructor, Michael
Williams, gave a research-based presentation on Friends, Facebook, and the
impact they have on fidelity. His power
point can be found at Friends, Facebook
and Fidelity.ppsx. In his presentation, Brother Williams explains
how we have moved from an ‘eternal companion’ (marital fidelity) model that society
used to accept to what he terms the ‘Friends Phenomenon.’ If you recall the sitcom Friends, it is just
about a bunch of buddies of both genders that hang out all the time
together. It doesn’t really matter if
any of them ever commit to something like marriage, and if marriage does come,
they are faithful first to their friends, then their spouse. Although many of us do not live the life that
is portrayed in Friends, there are many of us who adopt some of their patterns
of living. For example, when we have a
problem (especially with our spouse), do we turn to our friends and biological
family, or do turn towards our spouse?
John Gottman (who has done enough research on marital fidelity the past
30 years that, after observing a couple interact for only 5 minutes, he can
predict with 91% accuracy whether or not a couple will divorce or stay
together) wrote a book entitled The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. In this book, his third principle is to turn toward
each other, not away. In essence, he
says that when we are going through a struggle, we shouldn’t look for strength
from anyone (excepting Deity) but our spouse.
Continuing in
Brother Williams’ presentation, social media has become a very destructive tool
for many marriages. To quote Brother
Williams, “Digital social networking tool and other digital distractions may
seem harmless, but have become common tools in prying couples (of any age)
apart.” It has become a way of
connecting with ‘lost loves’ (which is where the euphoric recall kicks in and
we only remember the good about that situation and often focus on the bad of
the current situation). This can happen
either intentionally or accidentally. The
important thing is to not overly share time, interest, and intimacy (a connection
on a deep level) with those who are not your spouse.
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